The Truth Behind My Youtube Life

I’ve been told I’m lucky. I’ve been told I’m blessed to have such a big platform. I’ve been told how grateful I should be because of the money I make. However, do I feel lucky, blessed, or even grateful? Of course I do...everyday. So then what's wrong ? The lift style behind it. 7 years ago when I made my first video, I was 11, I had a channel called “livdollchannel”. I uploaded my first video about how I made a bedroom for my new doll I was so excited to get. From there I grew. I went from making video about dolls to tutorials, then to my own web series called “The wizard next door”. I was in 5th grade managing and entire youtube channel, creating storylines for my webseries and keeping up with uploading every weekend even though I had like 500 views max. I didn't care about the views, I cared about how much fun it was making videos. It was my dedication. I loved seeing the final project put together. I loved having something to look forward too on the weekends. I would have my friends come over, we’d brainstop, film, and I’d edit and upload all in the same day. I set my mind to it. Then time caught up to me, I grew older. My mind started changing and so did my content. I got more flamboyant and that was when I saw the person that inspire my whole entire youtube career. “JohnnyboyXo”. She was my everything. I would watch her videos all the time. She was hilarious and I honestly looked up to her. I made a video that still stands today…”Tranny in the house”. I learned the word tranny from her too. I had no idea what tranny meant until I watched JohnnyBoyxo. She was the reason why I started making videos in my true self. Before I was hiding behind so many youtube channel until I started a channel doing what I really wanted to do...what really made me happy. I went wild in that video. I started showing off my wild side. People loved it. One day I saw a girl named Cassidy Lynn Campbell made a boy to girl video transformation. She went to the high school down the street from me. Her video blew up. I figured maybe I should make a video like that too. So I did, I made so many Boy to Girl transformation videos until one day one of them blew up. “Classic Scene Doll” went viral, I was being shared all over facebook and at the time, we had this popular page that posted viral videos called WorldStarHipHop. Somehow my video got shared on their page. That boosted my career a lot. People started to find out who I was. My channel grew bigger and bigger day by day. Soon I was having meet and greets, sponsorships, and fans recognizing me in public. That was my 7 minutes of fame. With that I found another youtube who looked as good as I did and also did what I did who was also a crossdresser. She goes by the name of DiamondForever15 ! Before you know it our subscribers count lined up. We had the same amount of subscribers so then we became competition. Everything we did, we would try to up one up each other. I loved it. Sooner or later we became friends. We collabed and that was super beneficial for both of our channels. Eventually I came out as transgender and that blew up. I was featured on the Caitlyn Jenner interview. I got my first boyfriend and met Edenthedoll. She lived 20 minutes from me so we would vlog a lot. People loved us together. Our vlogs blew up. We were very obnoxious in our vlogs and that gave people a reason to come back and talk. It never bothered me because I knew deep down in person, we weren’t those girls we put ourselves to be. It’s the media, people like talking negatively about people through a computer screen. So what did we do ? We gave them a reason to talk. With that came my reputation. Of course I knew this would get somewhere and it did. I was known on youtube as the bitch that started shit with everyone. No matter what I did or said, I was always the bad guy. However I hate playing victim so I was okay with it. I don’t like people feeling pity for me. Oh by the way I totally forget to mention, down the line I ended up being enemies with edenthedoll and angelavanityy aka DiamondForever15. So back to where we were, there would be so many youtube arguments with the 3 of us. So many shade throwing back and forth. Nobody knew the real story and we didn’t know who to believe. Of course I tried to back myself up but like I said, I was always the bad guy so I eventually learned to live with it. Accepted the fact that no matter what I did I will never win so I just gave up and stopped trying. I accepted my fate like a BO$$ ! Before you know it, I got into a depression of just being tired of all these bad names that were being thrown at me. So I took a break from youtube for like 6 months ! There was much more than the drama that made me take a break. It was satisfying people. I realized you just can't do it. I always read my comments on my videos when I first upload it. I’m curious to see what people think ! I got tons of people saying how I'm immature, so I would try to be more calm and mature. Then I was told I was too monotone and boring. So when I would try to spice things up, then I get called immature again. I couldn’t please people. On top of that I was failing class a lot on my senior year. I had another astronomy course I was taking too. Trying to balance all that was tough. I wanted to please everyone but I couldn’t. On top of that, planning video ideas was a bitch. It was so hard planning something exciting in hopes that my viewers would like it. I wasn’t doing youtube full time, I had a life that I was trying to put together. I was so young doing so much. I felt like I was failing my subscribers. It was the worse feeling ever. I felt like I let them down. I never spoke about this publicly because I didn’t want people to feel sorry for me. I hate that feeling. So instead I just took a break. It was easier that way. I spent those months relaxing and just getting my life together. I studied more, brought up my grades, and I partied a lot. I was able to have a care free life. Not a single judgment. I was worried about getting a video up or anything. I was on youtube vacation. It was the best feeling in the world. It got me thinking how I don’t want to rely on youtube. I see some people live from just doing youtube and I don’t want that at all. I want to go to school, get a degree, work a regular job, and just live an ordinary life. I don’t want to rely on a youtube channel as my future. I want to know that I will have a backup plan. I want to learn new things. I was to venture far in life. What are my future plans ? Well for now youtube is my priority. I worked so hard to get here, I want to enjoy it. For the future, I want youtube for whenever I want to share something. Kind of like a diary...but to the public. I don’t know where my life will be a few years from now. But as far as I’m concerned...I just want to be happy. True Happiness